In a groundbreaking and utterly unprecedented move, the BC Humanist Association today unveils the highly anticipated report, "Finding DORI: A Department of Religious Inefficiency," outlining a visionary pathway toward a more comprehensive and systematically inefficient integration of religious principles into the very fabric of governance.
Inspired by the earnest, albeit misguided, efforts of our southern neighbours and their paradoxical pursuit of hyper-efficiency and doctrinal purity with the Department of Government Efficiency (DOGE), this report boldly proposes a different, and far more sensible, approach. Rather than futilely attempting to reconcile efficiency with ideological rigidity, we propose Canada and BC embrace inefficiency as a central pillar of governance through the establishment of the pioneering Department of Religious Inefficiency (DORI).
This landmark initiative is dedicated to ensuring that the entanglement of religion and government is not merely preserved but expanded with intentional and methodical inefficiency. DORI will embed inefficiency at the structural level, strategically misallocating government resources to the benefit of a select few, while remaining subtly elusive to legal challenges.
The "Finding DORI" report lays out a suite of transformative policies designed to bring British Columbia back to a glorious era of inefficient theocratic governance. Key initial initiatives include:
- Constitutional Conundrums Solved with Considered Consternations: Establishing DORI as a super-parliamentary structure, sharing powers equal to the Crown, to formally recognize the dual authority of church and state and deliberately exacerbate constitutional debates.
- Sanctimonious Symbolism to Systematically Subvert Secular Society: Replacing the Charter of Rights and Freedoms with a Charter of God’s Supremacy and adopting a divinely inspired national anthem.
- Establishing a State Church: Advocating for the state representation of all religions, multiplying the inefficiencies of religious bureaucracy exponentially.
- Parliamentary Prayers: Reinstituting compulsory, traditional religious prayers and commencing each legislative session with a lengthy, devout sermon.
- Theocratic Trade: Transcending Tariffs Through Theological Tenets: Reframing international trade disputes as holy wars, aligning economic interests with divine providence.
- Exemptions and Excesses: Expanding Ecclesiastical Economics: Solving tax contradictions through religious redistribution.
- Clerical Curriculum: Crafting Convoluted Cognition: Systematically undermining public schools by redirecting funds to religious institutions, abolishing the Ministry of Education, and replacing science education with astrology, alchemy, and ancient dead languages.
- Chastity Champions: Curtailing Comprehensive Curriculum: Reducing sexual education to a single 20-minute abstinence admonition and outsourcing it to private religious organizations.
- Theocratic Treatments: Transforming Temporal Troubles Through Theology: Radically restructuring health care funding to prioritize religious hospitals and replacing evidence-based modalities with prayer and spiritual guidance. Replacing all abortion and sexual health clinics with crisis pregnancy centres.
- Sanctified Unions: Subverting Secular Standards Surrounding Spouses: Abolishing all civil marriages and exclusively permitting religious institutions to solemnize unions.
The "Finding DORI" report underscores the urgent necessity of professionalizing and expanding Canada’s long tradition of privileging religion to unprecedented levels of inefficiency. This is not merely about political or fiscal change; it is about reshaping the very fabric of our society to align with higher, more eternal principles.
These recommendations are all the more necessary amid the failing political courage of our political leaders who still yearn to protect religious privileges in Canadian society. Despite the BCHA's best efforts to end municipal prayers, challenge religious charitable tax status and defend the privacy rights of the non-religious, we still see a country that deeply privileges Christian hegemony. Instead of fighting it, perhaps it's time to embrace it.
Embrace inefficiency. Embrace faith. Embrace DORI.
Of course, you can always throw your money away and support a group like the BC Humanist Association by becoming a member or making a needlessly efficient tax-deductible donation.